


I Don't Wanna Be Alone in the Darkness

by playswithsquirrelsss



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: 5+1 Things, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:27:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22774126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playswithsquirrelsss/pseuds/playswithsquirrelsss
Summary: 5 times Stan needs Bill and 1 time Bill needs Stan
Relationships: Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 49





	I Don't Wanna Be Alone in the Darkness

I. I don't wanna be alone in the darkness anymore...

That damn flute lady from the painting. He didn't know how he got separated from the group, but now he was staring into the deadlights of the woman's throat. As she loomed over him and he lay helpless on the floor of the cave, Stan wondered, Where are they? Why aren't they helping?

As if on cue, the woman was being yanked off of him and six of his friends were now hugging him and reassuring him. As he yelled, all he could think of was Bill holding him as he cried.

II. Here I am, alone again. Can't get out of this hole I'm in...

It was bad enough that he was the youngest kid in tenth grade, preppy, and Jewish, but this was worse than any of those combined. Today Stan was outed as gay The worst part? It was true.

He never told anyone but had scribbled a few silly things in his notebooks. Things like, "Bill + Stan" or "SU <3 BD." One of his classmates must have found it- come to think of it, he lost his chemistry notebook the other day. His guess, it was spread around school until the local bullies got ahold of it.

The day after his notebook went missing, that day, Henry Bowers cornered him in the hallway and tossed all his books to the ground. He started shoving Stan and threw him to the ground. Before things went completely blurry, he saw Bill Denbrough in the crowd that was forming.

But while his classmates were beating the shit out of him, he realized something. The pain made him feel something. For the longest time, he felt numb, ever since that fucking clown three years ago, but right then he felt alive. Sure, it hurt, but the blood and bruising made him feel something.

So Stanley Uris walked into his parent's bathroom, grabbed one of his dad's razor, brought it back to his room, and began tracing his arm with it. Finally, he got the courage to press the blade into his skin. Blood began to trickle from the wound and he made three more identical slashes along his forearm before hiding the blade, cleaning the cuts, and putting on a sweatshirt. In June.

A few hours later, Bill walked in without notice. He had come to apologize, but Stan just tried to push him away. Bill grabbed Stan's wrist and felt small bumps. When he looked further, he saw the red lines Stan had put there earlier.

"Stanley, w-what's this-"

"Bill, stop it."

"Did you hurt yours-"

"Leave, Bill." Stan managed to get Bill out of his room and the house altogether.

That night, he wondered what his friends thought of him. Was he too much of an outcast to even be considered a Loser anymore? What did the others think of him? What did Bill think?

III. It's like the walls are closin' in. You can't help me, no one can...

Turns out, his friends didn't care if he was gay, as long as Stan was happy. But he wasn't. After that day, Stanley went down a whirlpool of self loathe and self-harm. He continued to use the razor but ran out of room on his wrists eventually. Despite the grueling, late-spring heat, he wore long sleeves and jeans, never letting anyone see what was underneath.

While his friends splashed around in the quarry, embracing the last few weeks of school, Stan sat along the shore with a book. He was almost finished when Eddie was knocked into him, covering him and his book in the water.

"Oh shit, Stan, I'm sorry. Is your book okay?"

"I-It'll dry." Stan stood up, his sweater riding up as he did.

"Hey, what's that on your stomach?"

"Oh, nothing. I better go."

"No, you look like you hurt yourself. Let me see." Eddie reached for Stan's waist, but the latter smacked his hand away.

"I'm fine. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go dry my book." Stan looked out to the others, who were staring from the water. Bill looked back with knowing eyes. If only he'd say something...

IV. I can feel these curtains closin', I go to open 'em...

He'd given up on the cutting and let all the scars heal properly. Those days, he'd go nearly a week without eating or sleeping. One day, it was both.

It was Wednesday, the last day of school, and he had gone without sleep since Monday night and without food since Sunday. He was walking home from school with Richie, Eddie, and Bill when he finally collapsed.

They ran into a nearby house and managed to get Stan to a hospital. He was hooked up to a few IVs and was resting.

When he woke up, he was in a plain, pale blue room with machines beeping and a cup of Jell-O in front of him. His parents were signing forms and Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Ben, and Mike were surrounding his bed with stuffed animals and cards.

"Stan the Man! You're up!"

"Hey, Stan, how are you feeling?"

"Do you want us to get you anything?"

The voices were slurred and muffled in Stan's tired head. All he could focus on was Bill, standing outside the room and looking right back at him. How he wished he would just talk to him.

V. But something pulls 'em closed again...

The last time Stan needed Bill was the day he got the call from Mike. He knew what he had to do. 

After writing seven different letters, one to each loser and one to his wife, Stan made his way to the bathroom. He started the tub and all he could think about was that damn clown. The clown that caused him so much pain that he didn't even remember. But he did now. And this is what has to be done.

Stan reached into the bathroom cabinet and retrieved a razor, just like he had 27 years ago. He could even see the old scars that weren't there an hour before.

As he cut his wrists Stanley whispered his last words: "I swear, Bill."

VI. (Hello darkness, my old friend)

Bill knew what Stan had gone through and he didn't help. Maybe if he had, things wouldn't be the way they are now. Bill stands amongst the remaining Losers outside Jade of the Orient, wondering what his next move is.

He knows Pennywise is back, but he doesn't know how they can get through this without everyone.

He sits on the curb and starts to sob quietly into his hands.

"Bill?" Beverly sits next to him, warily putting her hand on his arm.

"I knew, Bev. I knew Stan was sick and I didn't help him."

"We were kids, none of us could have done anything."

"But I could have. I looked him right in the eyes and I never told him I was there for him."

Mike walks toward him and places a hand on his opposite shoulder. "It's in the past now, we need you focused if we're gonna go through this again."

"Okay. Let's do this."

In the end, they win, but Bill still doesn't feel right without him.


End file.
